So I Find Myself ... The beginning & the end?

So I find myself..... 
Going through my badly neglected blogging account this morning, I realized I never actually published the following blog I wrote 8.5 months after the sudden & unexpected death (10/14/2012) of who I have referred to in my blogs as "Yikes".  
      "Yikes" was my significant other, my lover, my friend, my abuser ....
       ...But also, during the years they knew him, he was the "grandfather" figure to my two precious grandsons. For any and all negative that existed within "Yikes",  for my 2 grandsons he was a wonderful, loving, shining example of grandfatherly love,  teaching them and ensuring they experienced all thing grandfathers teach their grandsons from humorous fun, fishing, trail walking, to important life wisdom. 

Here I present that long forgotten writing:

So I find myself.....
      ... The beginning & the end?
It now 8.5 months since "the angels came down and they 'woked' him up and tooked him to the *spirit in the sky."  This amazing wisdom came to me compliments of my 4-year old grandson. How can a 4-year old have such insight? Seeing the tears welling up in my eyes, despite great efforts not to show my pain in front of my grandsons,  my older grandson Xander (6-years old) said, "It's all right Granna, we can still talk to him in our hearts. He's everywhere we are." These wonderful golden nuggets of wisdom came from these 2 very young precious boys exactly 1 week after "Yike's" death.

He is gone from this earth as we know it.
But he is never far away.

He was abusive, yes. He was also calming and soothing, but quick-tempered;  a quiet man, yet explosive; angry and hostile, though so deeply in love with me, so lovingly passionate, but possessive and controlling. We stayed in each others lives just shy of 10 years. We stayed in a tornado of emotions.

His death came nearly 10 years from our first real evening together. ...That magical night of all nights when all things are possible... New Year's Eve 2003.
       Prior to this night, I did not really know him other than the face of someone older than myself who walked the halls of the the same high school as I had. That night, standing next to where he was seated at the bar I ordered my drink,  then walked to the opposite side of the room from him to "my usual spot".  I'm unclear on timelines, as that night became simply an eerie progression of time. But at some point he walked across the dance floor, and asked, "Has anyone told you how beautiful you look tonight?" We danced several dances. It truly was a wonderful night, that night-into-dawning of a new year. After our 1st dance, he then took his stance leaning against the wall just behind my chair for the remainder of the evening. How was I to know the true meaning of this uninvited stance?

This would be the official beginning of us....
      Of a whirlwind romance...
            Of life exploited and explosive.

___________________________________
*"...spirit in the sky" - Look for a future blog on this beautiful choice of words.

Making Memories

So I find myself ......
      MAKING MEMORIES

In just the blink of an eye, 
      One year morphs easily into another.

            Moments of fun, the imprints of tragedy, 

                  The loss of loved one's through the years.

These become our memories.

The new year begins, 

      There's no holding it back.

            All I can do is look forward
            Looking back is much too painful

So setting my sights on looking forward is my aim --
Looking forward to making new memories.

Making new memories in this new year,

      Where all the pieces have been rearranged.

            Forward movement to making new memories

Filling my scrapbooks of time.

Low, slow

Low, slow
She thinks he's doing blow
Her mind can't ride this gyroscope
She doesn't know how she'll cope

Born to this world a dualistic self
She up, she's down, she's off the shelf
For you it might be just a thing
To her it's another heart breaking

He's here, he's gone
He's left her all alone
He's up he's fair
He's down he wildly swears

She knows it's new
She thinks it's true
She wants it so
She knows he'll go

Low, slow
She thinks he's doing blow
Her mind can't ride this gyroscope
She doesn't know just how she'll cope

~Dakini

Mixed Message Dream

2011/1/30
I awoke today around 8:30am from a very vivid dream.

I was in a church parking lot in my car. I was very tired and distressed and unsure what to do. I had a small child with me. I had the sense of having been there at other times. No one was around. The parking lot empty except for me.

The police were called to ask me to leave because I was trespassing. "But there is no one here. Who called you?" I asked. I got no answer.

~dream fast-forwards~

I am in the same church parking lot in my car. I am again very tired and distressed and unsure what to do. I have a small child with me.

There is a spigot on the side of the building and I am very thirsty and hot. I go to the spigot to get some water. Inside, I glimpse a few people making Sunday preparations. There are a few women, and a powerful looking man in an expensive black suit and stately black hat who I know most certainly is the preacher.

I go back o my car.

Again a police officer shows up and asks me to leave because I am trespassing. "Who called you?" I asked. "Someone inside" he replies.

~dream fast-forwards~

I am about to turn into the same church parking lot. Again, I am very tired and distressed and unsure what to do. I have a small child with me.

An expensive black car cuts me off. The man I recognized earlier as a preacher rolls down his window and asks me to "Move on. We don't want your kind here."

I look stunned at him and call him a "racist, Christian, bigot".

I awake. I don't think I should go back to sleep so I'll just stay up. Lots of messages in that dream!

      Dreams are funny things. They last but a few fleeting seconds but seem to bring about so much information in those seconds.

I don't remember a lot of my dreams though I try very had to; it's the well from which I draw my best artwork from. Parts of my dreams linger with me through an entire day sometimes.

      I'm not sure why I was able to have such recall on this one.

****

2011/1/30 @ 1:45 PM 

So I lay down and took a nap and just woke. My Dream:

I was spending the day shopping with my grown daughters. We were having what we call "Momby/daughter quality time day". We put our things into the car and readied to continue our day. Before we could leave I needed to find somewhere to clean my hands for they were dirty. I thought I would go into this funeral home that was around the corner from where I was. When I got there I found a very long line of people waiting to get in the door.  Obviously it was receiving time for a family of someone who had just passed.

I stood there unsure of what I should do since I did not know the person being honored in death, and I only need to clean my hands. Suddenly the door opened at a small ramshackled building to my left. An older black man came out in a rumpled white suite and asked if I needed help. I told him my hands were dirty and that I needed somewhere to clean them. He invited me in. I cleaned up and refreshed myself. He offered to show me around. He was a minister and he was trying to make much needed improvements on the place that was both his home and church to his congregation. He did not live or preach in grand surroundings.

We sat on a small balcony overlooking his outdoor Sunday meeting area and watched a small building in the process of being erected. It would be the new, but still understated church, yet it had much glass and transparency to the outside world.

Though he did not know me he offered me drink and we sat and had refreshing conversation. I told him I had left my girls waiting on me and needed to get back. As I rose to leave I took my empty glass back inside. I noticed there was a very elderly, bedridden man in a bed placed in the corner. I inquired of him. The gentleman told me, "He is my father. He too was minister here. He is now too old and feeble to leave his bed. His mind is not clear and his body is weak, yet he continues to hang on in this world." We discussed briefly why it seemed some people, despite their age or health remain here when it seems God could or should have called them home already. Of course we had no answers. We are not to know the answers to everything we question.

I thanked the son for his generosity to me, told him I had enjoyed our conversation. I stood to go; I looked back at the elder man in the bed. "Life is such a fleeting thing, yet at the same time it can seemingly linger too long."

So I find myself.... Asking, "Where is the real me?"

2010/04/30

So I find myself ......
      ... Asking, "Where is the real me?"
I'm into my 6th year of divorce after a 20 year marriage ...the marriage I, and all around us, thought was the fairy tale marriage. I've done the dating thing (scary); I've have a couple promising relationships (NOT), and for a while now, an on-again--off-again relationship (It's complicated). 

The long and short of it is I somehow managed to go from a strong willed woman who demanded respect... to a woman in and out of a really bad co-dependent relationship. A relationship with someone who is everything I would have never chosen when I was in my right mind. "WTH? I ask." Where is the real me?